Planning your wedding without a loved one.

This is a blog that I’ve had in the back of my mind for a long time because what always strikes me about weddings is the overwhelming amount of joy they bring about; family and friends coming together to celebrate love – But what about the people who have to plan their weddings when they’re grieving or when Someone is no longer with them?

Me and James on our wedding day. Photo Credit: the amazing Claire O’Brien (I didn’t ask Claire for this photo but I’m glad she took it)

For a bit of context this is nor me being weird or morbid (I hope), I have a personal stake in the game. When I was young my dad passed away, and that in itself was a big thing to cope with and it defiantly shaped me as a person, but when it came to planning my wedding it brought back a lot of that hurt- I had a dad shaped hole in my day- who would walk me down the aisle, this is another thing he’s missing, do I bring him into the day somehow or weirdly act as if he never existed- at the time it felt like a minefield. So, my hope and intention for this blog is to share my experience of planning your wedding without a loved one and hopefully add a little bit of comfort to anyone having to do the same.

Bouquet Charms make a nice way to keep your loved ones close

I hope what the above ramble shows you is that firstly, this is not strange- in fact if we think more widely most weddings have some element that doesn’t fit ‘The nuclear family’ whether that be step parents, found family or relatives that have passed away so I want you to know that what you’re experiencing is totally normal. Loosing someone is unfortunately a universal experience and something everyone will have to face at some point.

If you’re planning a wedding without a loved one you may be feeling really confused, agitated or even angry- This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life but instead you’re having to navigate these complex emotions and everyone deals with it differently. You may choose to be really open about it, I’ve been lucky I’ve had couples tell me in their discovery calls and that has made be feel so connected to them through that shared understanding, but equally so you may choose to deal with it privately and quietly. How ever you choose to handle this I have the below guidance:

1. Always tell your future spouse what’s in your head – you’re not being silly or selfish, but by getting it out in the open they can be in the best place to support you.

2. Personally, I would take time to address it – That could be honouring them in some way, visiting their resting place near the day or having some alone time to process your feelings – wedding planning can be stressful and very go go go so make sure you allow yourself a breath.

3. Remember that this day is about celebrating all of you – so don’t worry about coming across as morbid or a downer, you do you!

My mum giving a speech at our wedding. Photo credit: Claire O’Brien Photography

The next thing I wanted to address was when the person who can’t be with you would have been someone with a ‘traditional’ role, for me it was my dad who under “normal” wedding standards would have walked me down the aisle, given a speech and possibly even done a father-daughter dance, so I felt this enormous pressure to choose people to take his place in the day. The unexpected silver lining in this situation was I got to show my Step Father, who does so much for me, a bit of well earnt recognition by asking him to walk me down, and my mum – who is a natural with a mic, give the ‘Father of the Bride’ speech, which felt really lovely to ask them to do something extra in the day than ‘Tradition’ would have given them.

In this point, I’m a BIG believer in ‘It’s your day, do what you want’ if you don’t want anyone ‘Subbing in’ then you don’t have to and you can create new roles or remove roles easily, just think about what would bring you the most joy and go with that. AND if you get any pressure from anyone telling you otherwise, honestly ignore them, it’s your peace and your day so look after your own happiness first.

Photos from the bar area at our wedding. You can see my dad, my grumps, James’ Gran, grandad and uncle, all who couldn’t be with us. Photo Credit: Claire O’Brien Photography

If whilst wedding planning whilst grieving, you choose that you would like to honour that person some way but don’t quite know how, here are just a selection of the idea’s I’ve seen and liked, but get creative and do what you think is best:

1. Have the ceremony somewhere meaningful- I had my service in the same church my dad was buried and even laid a button hole.

2. Front row chair with a ‘Reserved for those not with us’ sign – this is a nice visual way of reminding everyone that not everyone could be with you today and that your heart may be heavy for their loss.

3. Raising a glass to absent friends- traditionally this is done by the ‘father of the bride’ speech, but anyone can do this at anytime, My mum did it for us, but that was actually cause it’s a thing her dad did at Christmas after my dad died so I wanted her to continue our family tradition.

4. Bouquet Charms- Little picture frames that fasten to a bouquet so you can carry that person with you throughout the day.

5. Memorial tables- these can have photos or a candle as a gesture of remembrance or if a table seems to formal, put up a string light and peg photos on.

6. Find a way to include something of them in your day – whether that’s a favourite song, flowers, colour, snack, anything really, but something that when you see dotted about your day you know is for that person.

7. A moment of silence or candle lighting ceremony in your service.

8. Dontate to a charity in leu of favours to a cause inspired by them.

9. Use or wear something of theirs- this could be a piece of jewellery, a watch, a swatch from their favourite shirt in your attire, ect. – at a recent wedding the couple cut the cake using their loved one’s sword! So, anything goes really!

10. You could have a private moment or with those who will also be feeling this grief to remember them together, maybe even get the tears out and for a big comforting hug.

I do remember a wedding where the couple had done one of these things and someone came up to me as I was admiring it, and stated that they thought it was ‘a bit depressing’ so if you get this reaction from anyone you have my permission to tell them to piss off- whatever brings you peace and maybe even joy is worth doing!

I hope if you’ve gotten this far that you’ve found some comfort from this blog and hopefully I’ve shown you that planning a wedding without a loved one isn’t weird or scary and I have every faith in you that you will find your way to do things that feel right to you. The last thing I want to end on is, you will get sad, of course you will because you love that person and you miss them, and sometimes that feels easy and at other points, especially during the day, that sadness may sneak up on you. But that’s ok- take a breath, do what you need to do whether that’s cry, be alone of hug your partner or voice it to the room that you miss them (think I did all of these) and the day will be so joyful that that feeling will be something you recognise but that won’t take over your entire day.

To all my fellow members of the dead parent club, and all those dealing with grief of someone close to you- I see you, your feelings are valid and I hope you have the most amazing wedding day xx